


How (Greg) House Stole Slashfest!

by daasgrrl



Category: House M.D.
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-11
Updated: 2013-12-11
Packaged: 2018-01-04 09:36:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1079414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daasgrrl/pseuds/daasgrrl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every <i>Fan / </i>Down in Slashville / Liked <i>Fan</i>-fic a lot…</p>
            </blockquote>





	How (Greg) House Stole Slashfest!

**Author's Note:**

> Once upon a time, long ago and far away in the XF fandom, I read a charming little fic entitled "[Green Eggs and Krycek](http://mireille.afternoonsandcoffeespoons.org/greeneggsandkrycek.htm)". Deeply moved by its touching sentiments, I dreamed that one day I, too, would have the opportunity to debase Dr. Seuss in the service of fandom. I'm so… proud. I would like to take this opportunity to ~~blame~~ acknowledge [](http://mer-duff.livejournal.com/profile)[**mer_duff**](http://mer-duff.livejournal.com/), and especially, [](http://bironic.livejournal.com/profile)[**bironic**](http://bironic.livejournal.com/), [whose](http://mer-duff.livejournal.com/7426.html#cutid1) [references](http://bironic.livejournal.com/49719.html#cutid4) to House as The Grinch stuck me with the idea that wouldn't die. This was written in mid-October, but I wanted to post at a more seasonal date to coincide with the upcoming [](http://community.livejournal.com/hw_fest/profile)[](http://community.livejournal.com/hw_fest/) **hw_fest**  (which begins December 9th, and which, by the way, _really_ doesn't scan well). Happy Slashfest!

Every _Fan_  
Down in Slashville  
Liked _Fan_ -fic a lot...  
But (Greg) House,  
Who lived just North of Slashville,  
Did NOT!

House _hated Fan_ -fic!  
The whole sorry lot!  
Which was clearly unfair. (Some of it was quite hot!)  
It _could_ be his heart couldn’t fathom the _why_.  
It _could_ be he just wasn’t _that_ kind of guy.  
(But I think that the most likely reason of all  
May have been that his dick was two sizes too small.)

BUT  
Whatever the reason,  
His heart or his dick,  
Slashfest Eve found him hating both _Fans_ and their Fic,  
Staring down from his cave with a Housian frown  
At the warm, glowing PC screens lighting the town.  
For he knew every _Fan_ down in Slashville below  
Was busy now, fretting where commas should go.

"And they're thanking their betas!" he snarled with a sneer.  
"Tomorrow is Slashfest! It's practically here!"  
Then he growled, with his long fingers nervously drumming,  
"I MUST find a way to keep Slashfest from coming!"  
For, tomorrow, he knew... 

...All the _Fan_ boys and girls  
Would wake bright and early. Their heads all in whirls!  
They'd _sit_! And they'd _post_! Oh, they'd Post! Post! Post! Post!  
All that _Fan_ -fic he hated! They’d POST! POST! POST! POST!

Then the _Fans_ , young and old, would smile (after the deed).  
And they'd read! _And they'd read!_  
And they'd READ! READ! READ! READ!  
They would feast on those stories with ravenous greed!  
And the thought rendered House very pissed-off indeed.

And THEN  
They'd do something he liked least of all!  
Every _Fan_ down in Slashville, the tall and the small,  
Would finish their reading, their senses still reeling.  
They'd click through to comments. And then they’d start squealing!

They'd squee! _And they'd squee!_  
And they'd SQUEE! SQUEE! SQUEE! SQUEE!  
And the more that House thought of this _Fan_ -Slashfest-squee  
The more that he realized, "It's all up to me!  
"Why for nigh on _three years_ I've put up with it now!  
"I MUST stop this Slashfest from coming!  
"...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!  
 _An awesome idea!_  
GREG HOUSE  
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWESOME IDEA!

"I know _just_ what to do!" and House laughed in his throat.  
And he made a (Bad) David Shore Hat and a coat.  
And he snorted, and smirked, "I'm a fabulous faker!  
"With this coat and this Hat, I look just like my maker!"

"All I need now’s a lawyer..."  
And House looked around.  
But since Stacy had left, there were none to be found.  
Did that stop him though...?  
No! House simply said,  
"If I can't _find_ a lawyer, I'll _make_ one instead!"  
So he called his rat, Steve. Used his cane as a wand!  
And Steve stood, besuited, all handsome and blond.

THEN  
House forged legal writs,  
Stuffed them all up his sleeve.  
Then he reached for his helmet,  
And beckoned young Steve.

House fired up the bike,  
And they both started down,  
Toward the homes where the _Fans_  
Dreamed their plans in their town.

All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.  
All the _Fans_ were all dreaming slash dreams without care,  
When House came to the first little home on the square.  
"This is stop number one," the old Housey Shore hissed,  
As he knocked on the door, copyrights in his fist.

No answer. No problem. _He was David Shore_!  
Steve waved a court order and unlocked the door.  
The door opened wide in the bright, moonlit night.  
And House gave a grin at the wonderful sight  
Of all the _House_ characters placed in a row.  
" _These_ playthings," he grinned, "are the _first_ things to go!"

Then he hobbled and heaved, doing what must be done,  
First his own effigy, then everyone!  
Wilson! And Cuddy! Chase! Look! Coma guy!  
He took Foreman! And Cameron! (Though no-one knows why.)  
He stuffed them in bags. And then, cool as you’d like,  
He threw all the bags, one by one, on his bike!

Then he slunk to the desktop. He took all the Fic!  
( _Especially_ those stories obsessed with his dick.)  
He cleaned out the folders, the memory, the caches.  
He took every one, even those marked ‘All Ages’.  
All the Vids, all the Art, even Drabbles must go -  
"And NOW!" snickered House, "The definitive blow!"   
As he reached for the modem, and started to leave…  
When a slender hand clutched at the back of his sleeve.

He turned around fast, and he saw a young _Fan_!  
Little Mary-Sue _Fan_ , who was spoiling his plan!  
House found himself stuck with this whiny _Fan-_ brat,  
Who'd snuck out of bed for some MSN chat.  
She stared at him hard and said, "David Shore, why,  
" _Why_ are you taking our DSL? WHY?"   
But, you know, that old House was so smart and so slick,  
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet jailbait love," the fake David Shore lied,  
"There's a light on this thing that won't light on one side.  
"I must fix it or there’ll be no Slashfest this year.  
"But I know House _still loves you_. So never you fear."

And his fib fooled the girl. Then he patted her head,  
And he bought her a drink and he sent her to bed.  
And when Mary-Sue _Fan_ went to bed, pure of sin,  
He went _out_ to the bike and the modem went _in_!

Then the last thing he took  
Was their DVD set!  
It would be a Slashfest they’d never forget.  
He'd have these _Fans_ weaned from their _Fan_ -fiction yet!

And the Fic-less computer  
He'd left in the place,  
Stood forlorn and blank-screened alone in its space.

THEN  
He did the same thing  
To the other _Fans'_ places!  
Leaving nothing  
But empty files!  
Errors! (And spaces.)

It was quarter past dawn...  
All the _Fans_ , still a-bed,  
All the _Fans_ , dreaming plans,  
When he nodded his head

And drove off with their stories! The hurt/comfort! The dying!  
The angst! And the kissing! The sex! And the crying!  
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Fox,  
Where he’d throw down the Fic and it’d smash on the rocks!

"Flim-flam to the _Fans_!" he was House-ishly humming.  
"They're finding out now that _no_ Slashfest is coming!  
"They're just waking up! I know _just_ what they'll do!  
"They’ll switch on their screens for a minute or two,  
"Then the _Fans_ down in Slashville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," chuckled House,  
"That I simply must hear!"  
So he paused. And then House put a hand to his ear.  
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.  
It started out low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't _sad_!  
Why, this sound sounded _cheery_!  
It couldn't be so!  
But it WAS cheery! CLEARLY!

He stared down at Slashville!  
And House dropped his cane!  
Then he shook!  
At a sight he just couldn’t explain!

Every _Fan_ down in Slashville, the tall and the small,  
Was squeeing! Without _any Fan_ -fic at all!  
He HADN'T stopped Slashfest from coming!  
IT CAME!  
On memories of _canon_ , it came just the same!

And poor House, with his Vicodin lost in the snow,  
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?  
"It came without _Fan_ -fiction! Vidding! Or Art!  
"The secret must lie somewhere deep in the heart!"  
And he puzzled three hours, `til Steve started to snore.  
And then House thought of something he hadn't before…  
"Maybe Slashfest," he thought, "has no meaning with _one_?  
"Maybe Slashfest... perhaps... with a _friend_ … might be… _fun_?"

And what happened _then_...?  
Well... in Slashville they say  
That Greg House’s limp dick  
Grew three sizes that day!  
And the minute his pants didn't feel quite so tight,  
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light  
And he brought back the Fic! Took the Hat off his head!

And he...   
...HE HIMSELF...!  
 _Seduced Wilson and took him to bed!_

_***_

  
Seasonal crack by [](http://evila-elf.livejournal.com/profile)[evila_elf](http://evila-elf.livejournal.com/). Thanks, sweetie! Please show her love ♥


End file.
